


Ghosts of loved ones

by bettyparker



Category: Marvel
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War Fix-It, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:21:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettyparker/pseuds/bettyparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony dies instead of Steve and after an unfortunate event Steve starts to slowly forget him. When Tony comes back, Steve doesn't even know who Tony is but Tony doesn't know him either. Can they fix what's broken?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts of loved ones

           Steve knew it was going to end badly for one of them. When the SHRA showed up and Tony joined the other side he knew the end will be ugly. And here he was, being escorted to the Courthouse by SHIELD agents. He didn’t fight them, after all he could still feel Tony’s blood staining his hands. The blood of all the people who died was on his hands. When they reached the steps hell broke loose. There was a sniper somewhere. People started screaming and there was so much chaos that Steve didn’t see who pushed him down. He heard the gunshots, he counted three of them. He waited for pain but nothing came and when he looked up he saw Tony shielding him. Steve could see the blood already staining Tony’s shirt. After a second Tony fell on the steps next to Steve. He was bleeding out fast and Steve felt like the world was crumbling around him. He broke the cuffs with a force he didn’t know he had and he put Tony’s head in his lap.

                         “It’s going to be okay Tony, just hold on. Help is on the way.”

          Tony smiled weakly. His eyes were barely focused. Steve could hear an ambulance in the distance but he knew they would be too late. He felt tears streaming down his face. Tony frowned and raised one hand and wiped them away.

                       “It was always going to end this way, Steve. I couldn’t let them win and for that to happen I had to do this, be on their side. I couldn’t let you die… One of us had to lose and I couldn’t let you make the sacrifice. I’m so sorry, Steve. It wasn’t… worth it.”

          Steve watched Tony close his eyes and then the hand that was caressing Steve’s face went limp. Steve screamed Tony’s name until his throat was numb. Tony never opened his eyes again. Everything was a blur after that. He went back to his apartment and cried. The next day SHRA lost. Steve couldn’t feel happy about it.

          Tony’s funeral was on a cloudy day. All the superheroes were there. Pepper cried on Rhodey’s shoulder. When Steve had to talk he sat stiff looking at everyone. He didn’t cry, he didn’t waver he just stood still and tense. He forgot the speech he prepared. There was nothing he could ever say that will make this better, there were no words to describe how he was feeling.

                         “I’m sorry. I-…It wasn’t supposed to be like this...”

          They weren’t supposed to end up on opposite sides. They weren’t supposed to do all those terrible things to each other. They weren’t supposed to end up like this. Tony wasn’t supposed to die.

          There was nothing left to say. Standing there and looking at Tony’s friends -their friends- he realized there were no words to ever describe the situation. Tragedy didn’t seem to cover it and Steve couldn’t find the strength to say another word so he took one last glance at the grave and left. He got home and cried.

          The dreams started a week after the funeral. They were nice dreams, usually involving the two of them spending time together, laughing and being happy. Every time he woke up Steve’s heart ached. He missed Tony so much.

           Not long after the funeral Steve and the old team moved back to the Tower at Pepper’s request. They didn’t work as well as they used to but they got by. In case of emergencies War Machine would come help them. No one went to Tony’s floor or workshop and they avoided talking about him both for their sake and Steve’s.

           The nightmares started soon after moving in. He was exhausted the night he got his first nightmare and fell asleep immediately. He knew right away that he was dreaming. He was standing in the middle the street. It was a disaster everywhere around him and the smoke was choking him. He looked behind him and saw Tony. He was wearing his Iron Man suit but it was torn and there was blood everywhere. The helmet was at Tony’s feet his face was white as a sheet of paper, his once bright eyes were now dead, he had bruises everywhere, his nose and lip were bleeding but that wasn’t what made Steve feel sick. It was the broken arc reactor. The whole chest plate had a big tear, slicing the arc reactor that was now in pieces. He looked down at his hands only to find his shield smeared in blood. Tony’s blood.

            Steve bolted up in bed. His throat felt raw. He went to the bathroom and stood in the shower for more than an hour trying to scrub Tony’s blood from his hands. He knew there was nothing there but the nightmare felt too real. When he finally decided to go to the kitchen it was time for breakfast and everyone was there. He didn’t say anything instead he went and poured himself some coffee. He could feel Natasha and Clint watching him but he didn’t acknowledge them. He drank his coffee, ate some toast and left for the gym.

            He knew he was not okay the moment he started hallucinating Tony. The Tony-hallucination was dressed in jeans and one of those bands T-shirts Tony loved so much. He was smirking. Steve stared at him. The serum wasn’t supposed to let Steve get sick but here he was, staring at his best friend’s hallucination. Steve knew he should go to Bruce to figure it out but he couldn’t because this was Tony and if this was the only way Steve could see and talk to him again he would do it. Even if he was talking to himself.

            Six months after the funeral things only get worse. Steve doesn’t spend time with the team anymore. The only time he gets out of his room is when the Avengers are needed. He goes through his morning jog and then he goes to his room where Tony waits for him. Steve hears him for the first time after a mission. He’s going through the mission details with Sharon Carter when Tony suddenly appears next to Steve. He’s smiling as he looks at Steve.

                       ‘You’re losing your charm Cap. The girl is really trying to impress you and here you are, ignoring her.’

            Steve feels like he can’t breathe after that. He stares at Tony with wide eyes. He never talked before. He can hear Sharon calling his name but he can’t concentrate. He just runs and locks himself in his room.

                      ‘That was not cool, Steve. If you really don’t like her tell her but never leave a lady hanging, it’s rude.’

            Steve looks at Tony and takes a deep breath. His heart is aching because he hasn’t heard Tony’s voice in such a long time and even if he’s not real Steve is not ready to let him go. He talks to Tony every day after that.

            A year after Tony’s funeral a mission goes very wrong. They’re fighting a new villain when Steve gets shot by his weapon but nothing happens, he doesn’t feel any pain or change. They capture him and give him over to SHIELD. Three days after the mission Steve starts realizing that something is very wrong. He remembers that his mother once told him that the first thing you forget about a person is their voice and he shouldn’t be able to forget yet sitting there looking at Tony he can’t remember his voice. He begs Tony to talk, to say anything but the hallucination only watches his with a sad expression. He even opens his mouth but no sound comes out.

           For the next couple of weeks Steve starts forgetting little things about Tony like how he took his coffee, his favorite color, his middle name, his favorite band. He spends his days looking at Tony who always watches him sadly yet somehow resigned. Steve forgets bigger things after that. He forgets how he met Tony, he forgets all the moments they spent together, forgets why he cared about Tony. Steve forget that he loved Tony Stark. In fact he forgets that Anthony Stark existed.

          Steve starts spending time with the team. There’s someone always following him, a man. The man is a little shorter than Steve and he has dark hair and brown eyes. He’s also very sad. The others don’t seem to see him so Steve doesn’t know what to do until one day he sees a photo of the team. It looks old and Steve notices something weird. The man is in it. He remembers when they took the picture but he doesn’t remember the man. He throws the picture away when the ache in his chest increases. He feels sad but he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know the man. He doesn’t know why he’s the only one that can see him. When the man appears before his eyes again he starts screaming at him. He tells him to leave him alone. The man looks at him for a long time. He looks broken, wrecked. For a moment it looks like he’s going to talk but then he just shakes his head and takes a step back. Steve is about to say something when he vanishes. The man doesn’t come back after that.

           Two weeks later it’s team bonding night. They’re preparing to watch a movie when Natasha clears her throat. She looks weary as she begins to speak.

                   “We’re really happy you’re okay. We know how hard it was for you when Tony died, you got us a little worried but we’re just glad you are better.”

           Steve stares at her confused. He doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He doesn’t understand why everyone looks a little worried.

                          “Uhh Nat, what are you talking about? Who is Tony?”

          The room freezes and everyone turns to look at him, their faces showing concern when they realize that Steve is serious. Things are kind of chaotic after that. Bruce checks him over while Natasha argues on the phone with someone and Steve can’t understand what’s happening. He goes with them to visit the guy they put away a few weeks ago and when they ask him what the weapon did he just looks disappointed.

                         “The weapon was supposed to make him forget the most important thing to him. We hoped it would be his training, his belief. We wanted to erase Captain America. I guess we should’ve seen this coming.”

          Steve understands then. The picture, the reaction he got earlier. He knew that guy, he was very important to him but it was all gone now. They interrogated the guy for some time but apparently the damage couldn’t be undone. Steve felt a little bad but he really didn’t remember the guy, and as important as he might’ve been, he couldn’t remember a thing about him. He also knew that it was not normal that he hallucinated him at the beginning so he went to Bruce and told him. He looked really sad.

                             “You and Tony had a special relationship. My best guess is that your mind supplied the hallucination as a coping mechanism. When you started to forget him you lost the need to cope with the loss. On the other hand, your brain basically erased Tony and you can’t hallucinate a…stranger.”

           Steve wanted to ask more questions but Bruce seemed so lost in thought that he let it go. That was until the guy –Tony, he reminded himself - turned up at SHIELD two days later. He told them that some guys brought him back but he didn’t remember anything else. He came to the Tower with the team and Steve saw that the guy was very confused. He didn’t remember them just like Steve didn’t remember him. The guy, Tony, remembered his life up until he joined the Avengers. No one understood why but there was no guidebook on memory loss after coming back from the dead.

           They became fast friends. Steve liked Tony. He was really smart, selfless and he worked too much. Some nights when Steve couldn’t sleep he would go down to the workshop where Tony would be building something or upgrading something and Steve just watched the genius work. The hardest times were when the team would decide to have a bonding night. They usually watched movies but Steve could feel their eyes on him and Tony. Sometimes they’d smile at something Tony said and Steve felt like he was missing out on an inside joke. He was pretty sure he was missing something but he never commented on it and Tony didn’t either. They didn’t remember what the other did after all.

            It got easier after some time. Sure, some nights it was harder because there would be an anniversary or something to remind the others of the past and the atmosphere would be rather tense but in cases like those he and Tony would excuse themselves and go somewhere else. They became best friends after Tony spent one too many night in the workshop and Steve joined him. Steve understood that he and Tony used to be friends before too but they didn’t dwell on that since none of them remembered. Then a few months after Tony and Steve became best friends Tony started avoiding Steve.

            It was subtle at first and Steve thought that Tony was just busy but one time turned into two and Steve became suspicious. Tony stopped coming to dinner and breakfast and when Steve asked the others Bruce only told him that he eats in the workshop. The next logical step was to go to Tony but the workshop was on lockdown. Steve began to worry and he started going over his last conversations with Tony to see if he said something to offend him but his mind was blank. After two weeks of being avoided Steve decided that enough was enough. He went to Tony’s floor and decided to wait for him there. When he reached his destination he started looking around. It was the first time he ever saw Tony’s floor and he was a little curious. He was walking around when something caught his attention in the living room. There were pictures of him and Tony all over the room. Some of them were with the team but most of them were only with the two of them. It felt weird to look at all those pictures but not remember taking them but it still brought a smile to his face. Some of the pictures were just them in the workshop relaxing or in the park. Others were silly pictures and Steve couldn’t believe Tony got him to stick out his tongue like a little child for a picture but Tony was doing the same so it just made him grin wildly. There were two pictures that were lying face down and Steve frowned before picking the first one up. Tony was kissing his cheek and based on the blushing Steve he didn’t expect it. The picture was adorable in Steve’s opinion, Tony looked relaxed and beautiful and Steve looked embarrassed but not uncomfortable. Steve wished he could remember when it was taken. He put the frame down before taking the second one and freezing. In the picture they were sitting on the couch in the common room and Tony seemed to be talking to someone because he had his head turned away from Steve and his hands seemed to be moving like they usually did when Tony was engrossed in a conversation. That wasn’t what made Steve freeze. In the picture Steve was looking at Tony, and he looked fascinated, slightly amused but most of all he looked fond. He had his arm thrown over the back of the couch and Tony seemed to be leaning into him. They looked relaxed and very domestic. He suddenly remembered what Bruce said _‘You and Tony had a special relationship.’_ and the way the team was so careful when Natasha mentioned Tony that day. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Tony stepping out of the elevator.

                   “What are you doing here Steve?”

         Steve got startled and whipped around, dropping the frame. The sound of the glass breaking was deafening in the quiet room. Tony didn’t even flinch. He looked exhausted. Steve wanted to ask about the picture but he didn’t know how to phrase his thoughts so instead he settled for the next best thing.

                   “You’ve been avoiding me. What did I do?”

          Tony chuckled darkly and Steve had to suppress a flinch at the action. He was more confused than ever.

                     “You didn’t do anything Steve. Just leave me alone.”

          Tony turned to go but Steve crossed the room and blocked Tony’s path. He noticed the way Tony stiffened when Steve caught his wrist to prevent him from leaving.

                    “I won’t leave you alone until you tell me what’s wrong. Come on Tony, we’re friends. Whatever it is we’ll fix it.”

          Tony stared at him for a minute before he started laughing bitterly. He looked like a mad man and Steve didn’t know what to do because after he stopped laughing Tony just took a step back and his expression turned sorrowful, lost.

                     “You just say that because you don’t remember anything Steve. Trust me, if you remembered everything you wouldn’t be talking to me right now so just leave me alone.”

                     “Y-you remember?” Steve’s voice was barely above a whisper but he knew Tony could hear him.

                   “I remembered two weeks ago after our lunch. I was in the workshop I turned on the TV and they were talking about the Registration. I got sad all of the sudden and turned it off but I just had this feeling that I was missing something. The memories started coming in fragments and my dinner time I almost remembered everything. I’ve been avoiding you because I know you would’ve done the same of you remembered. But you don’t and I can’t sit here and pretend everything’s alright.”

           The speech left Steve even more disoriented. He remembered Registration but of course he didn’t remember Tony’s involvement in the ordeal. He never looked over the file on the war that was still sitting on his desk in his room. Tony looked away and when he started talking his voice was rough and it broke every once in a while.

                       “You don’t remember…you don’t...know. After I got my memories back… I ran into you in the hallway and…I almost expected you to start yelling but you just…you smiled and it felt like a punch. Cause it suddenly dawned on me that…you don’t know what I do.” Tony suddenly turned and looked Steve in the eye and Steve gasped at the pain in Tony’s eyes. “I was in love with you. Before the war and all the horrible things happened. I never told you because I knew you could never return my feelings. The war took a lot out of me. You hated me, Steve. I loved you and you hated me with everything you had and I just can’t sit here and pretend it never happened. When I was dying on the courthouse steps I was actually glad because I saved you and I got the easy way out. I wouldn’t have to deal with you hating me anymore. So just leave me alone, please. You don’t have the burden of the memories but I do and it hurts.”

         Steve watched as a tear fell down Tony’s cheek and he felt useless. He didn’t know how to help him and he was overwhelmed with a feeling of failure. Suddenly pain shot through his head and the darkness engulfed him.

         When he woke up his head was pounding and he was lying on a bed. A bed that smelled a lot like Tony. Wait, Tony. Suddenly Steve gasped as he realized something. He remembered. The void that used to be in his mind was gone and Steve remembered everything. He sat up in bed and looked around. It was still night so he couldn’t have been out too long. On the nightstand next to him was the picture he dropped earlier. The frame was lying on Tony’s desk in pieces. Steve was startled when the door opened but relaxed immediately when he realized it was just Tony. They didn’t move for a few minutes, each taking their time to assess each other before Tony moved to stand next to the bed.

                         “You’re finally awake. You gave us quite a scare, Cap.”

        Steve noticed the way Tony was carefully avoiding his eyes, looking at the picture on the nightstand instead. Steve sighed and decided to be blunt because God, Tony was quite oblivious sometimes.

                       “Natasha took that picture. It was team bonding night and we decided to watch a movie but you got into an argument with Clint about what movie we should watch because he wanted to see James Bond and you started explaining how cliché that was. Natasha gave me a knowing look when I started watching you because everyone knew I was head over hills for you. Well everyone except you. And I tried to show you how I felt because I was too scared to actually utter the words but no matter what I did you never seemed to notice. After some time I told myself why try anyway, I would never be good enough for you. I am just a kid from Brooklyn and you’re this amazing caring and smart person. When you chose the other side it hurt like hell but I never hated you. When you died it broke me. I spent days locked up in my room and then I started losing it for real. I started hallucinating you. I didn’t tell anyone because even if it wasn’t real it was the only thing I had left.”

        Steve sees Tony’s expression change from confused to disbelieving. Steve gets up and stands in front of Tony and he can see the glimmer of hope in his eyes so he takes Tony’s hands and looks him in the eyes, willing him to listen.

                         “I love you, you idiot. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. And the war was not your fault. I understand why you did what you did now. Sure if you had talked to me we would’ve made a better plan and make no mistake, if you do something like this again you’ll be in big trouble but never think that I hate you.”

Tony stared in awe for a minute and Steve decided he waited enough. He leaned in and connected their lips in a soft peck. When he pulled back tears were shining in Tony’s eyes but before he could do anything Tony wrapped his hands around him and buried his face in his neck and Steve could only hug Tony back and let him cry.

                       “I’m so sorry, Steve. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’m sorry.”

                       “Shh, it’s okay sweetheart. I’m sorry too. Calm down, it wasn’t your fault. It’s okay, I love you.”

        Tony seemed to calm down after that but he didn’t let go of Steve. Not that Steve minded.

                         “I…I love you too.”

         Steve grinned widely and Tony pulled back and smiled too and Steve couldn’t help but notice how tired Tony looked. The moonlight bathed them in a soft glow and Steve could see the deep circles under Tony’s eyes, his eyes still shining from all the crying and his disheveled hair but despite all that he was still beautiful.

                       “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go to bed, you look exhausted. We’ll deal with the rest tomorrow.”

         And when Tony placed his head on Steve’s chest and fell asleep, something settled within him. Steve finally felt happy and relaxed after all this time. Sure they had to talk about some things but that could wait until tomorrow because right now, standing there with Tony, it was all he needed. They’ll be okay, he’ll make sure of it because he lost Tony once. He wasn’t planning on doing that mistake again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, i hope you guys enjoyed it. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think. And yes, i suck at summaries.


End file.
